Disney World is known for many things.
Amazing rides like Cosmic Rewind and Space Mountain, awesome atmosphere fueled by lively parades, amazing live shows like Fantasmic, and seventy minute queues for Slinky Dog Dash. Everything mixes perfectly well to create that magical atmosphere that you won't find anywhere else. Hey, this place sounds like the happiest place on the whole planet Earth!
...unless Rise of the Resistance breaks down after you've been waiting in the queue for an hour, then it becomes the Slightly Less Happiest Place on Earth.
A not-so-easy task
Disney is also not known for something that ranks as the #1 phobia when guests visit a theme park: terrible rides. Thankfully, it's very hard to list an attraction from all four theme parks - Magic Kingdom, Epcot, Hollywood Studios and Animal Kingdom - that is really bad and make you run away in fear.
Stitch's Great Escape in Magic Kingdom was really not fun, and made more sense as a scary Aliens ride with angry Xenomorphs running after you than a lively Disney attraction. I am happy to say, however, that the Stitch ride closed down in 2020, and Stitch is still waiting for his time to come back to the spotlight.
Sure, there are some rides that many would consider mid and don't want to go a second time, but terrible ones? Hm, yeah, that's a hard one. Even classics like Living with the Land at Epcot may not be that exciting, but it mostly exists to teach kids and guests about something, which is nice. Hm...
We might have a problem, guys.
Where are the terrible rides!? The ones we can make fun of, trick our friends into going only to ask them to give an honest review later on, compare them to The Fast & Furious Supercharged at Universal Studios!
Relax. Disney, we are here to fix that problem. We are here to give you terrible ride ideas to fill your theme parks with attractions that will repulse your guests. Rides so bad that they will remind you when you played RollerCoaster Tycoon on your PC and just loved to spread chaos everywhere.
Mickey, you are welcome!
The Indiana Jones Track Tour
We start with an awesome walkthrough ride inspired by the recent Journey of Water at Epcot and the classic self-track rides at Animal Kingdom. Speaking of Animal Kingdom, you might have heard that Indy is coming to the party and joining Zootopia and Encanto as brand new rides, right? We even talked about Animal Kingdom deserving more love.
Now we have come to help, Disney. We have the not-so-perfect idea for a ride that would at least be very... unusual, to say the least.
Okay, do you know how in Journey of Water you can choose between two different self guided tracks? The one with interactive water where you might get a little bit wet, and the other which is completely dry and chill. We would have a similar option in our Indiana Jones ride.
Guests can choose between two completely different walkthroughs: one is named Raiders of the Lost Ark, while the other is named Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. If you pick the Raiders of the Lost Ark track, you will go through a tour filled with adventure. If you pick the Crystal Skull one, you will go through a shortcut directly to the parking lot. Nobody should pick Kingdom of the Crystal Skull over Raiders of the Lost Ark, after all.
So, what about the Raiders of the Lost Ark tour? Oh, it's filled with adventure, thrills and excitement! You really feel like you are Indiana Jones, ready to explore the unknown. Guests start their tour by entering an ancient tomb, where they better watch out their steps! A few suspiscious blocks mean that spears can come out from the floor at any second, sharp as a knife. Did you manage to dodge them and now you are feeling lucky? Well, don't celebrate just yet. Watch out and make sure to duck, since statues scattered around the room are ready to spill poisonous darts at any time*.
*Unfortunately, Disney medical service doesn't have the antidote for a thousand year old poison handcrafted inside an ancient Mayan temple.
Have you made it through the traps? You are almost done with this exciting ride. Now, you better make sure your cardio is up to date, since it's time to start running. A massive giant boulder with the same weight as a thousand elephants will drop behind you and start rolling. Only in Disney you can find an attraction that is all about a healthy lifestyle that makes you run for your life and keep up in shape! Way to go.
Are you aliv--- I mean, have you beaten the giant boulder? Congratulations, the Golden Idol is within your reach! Just make sure to run as soon as you touch it, since every insect catalogued into the National Geographic archives will fall over your head. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity to look up close at some species that have eight or ten legs and you never knew existed before, proving once again that every Disney ride is a chance to learn something new.
Have you made it through the entire walkthrough and did you manage to snatch the Golden Idol? Congratulations! Harrison Ford himself will appear on a big screen just to say that he doesn't care about the Idol. Or the Ride. Or you.
But, hey, now you have the Golden Idol! You can exchange it for a $10 Disney gift card, which is enough for half a Mickey Ice Cream. Can't get enough of Indiana Jones? You can always go again and speedrun the traps to get the best time possible in the leaderboards.
Disney All-Stars Brawl Live Show
Ohhh, this would be an awesome attraction that could very well be the star of the show in any theme park! Disney is well known for awesome live performances like The Beauty and the Beast and Fantasmic, so why not spice things up by mixing our childhood memories with some WWE action? There is no way this could go wrong, right?
Welcome to Disney All Stars Brawl, a live show that happens once a day at Magic Kingdom! You never know what to expect when you come here... and, well, neither do the contestants. Imagine a live free for all brawl featuring your favorite Disney characters in a fighting rink. Mickey Mouse! Jack Sparrow! Cinderella! Obi-Wan Kenobi! Spider-Man! All of them fighting each other in a massive stage full of awesome visual effects with Disney music blasting our ears off. Five contestants enter the rink. Only one comes out alive. Mostly alive.
This would be an hour long show where guests could be divided into different sections, with each section cheering and supporting a specific character that is competing that night. More than that, guests could also help out their heroes and villains by throwing props at the rink from time to time!
Need to give your favorite character a hand? Well, throw that $99 lightsaber you just bought at Hollywood Studios to your fighter of choice and see him using that to get the upper hand in battle. You could even give away those huge turkey legs that are sold in food carts and, trust me, one hit of that thing is enough to even bring Maleficent to her knees.
Tell me you wouldn't want to see Mickey Mouse piledriving Darth Vader? Or Tinker Bell flying with a superman punch against Wreck-It Ralph? Let's not forget the amazing pre-show, dances and teases that come before or after any fight. Oh, and all the signature moves! Peter Pan could have the special move "Peter Pan's Flight", where he locks down his opponent in a headlock for 70 minutes in a preview of what it feels like to stay in line for his ride. Elsa could have the "Billion Dollar Franchise" blow, where she basically stares down at anyone and intimidates her opponent into running away.
Wait, I thought this was an article about terrible ideas only? Oh well.
The Real World of Frozen
As you might know by now, World of Frozen has recently opened at Hong Kong Disneyland! We even gave you a sneak peak at the new cast members and how amazing they are. A lot of people want to see Arendelle on the West side of planet Earth, so we stopped, looked at the sky, put a finger on our chin and thought: "Hmm, how can we make the experience even better for Frozen fans from all over the globe?"
By giving them the real World of Frozen, of course! By real we mean a completely new land the size of Galaxy's Edge where guests can explore a full scale, real life Arendelle and discover a kingdom full of secrets and wonder. All of that at -76 °F, of course. This is the real Frozen experience, after all.
Not only would we introduce a brand new land to Walt Disney World, but new park perks too! You can now enter the Virtual Queue for a chance to grab a brand new blanket and a flint stick to live just like Elsa and Anna. You can not only bring the blanket home as a souvenir to remember the amazing times you had at the Real World of Frozen, but your friends that became ice blocks as well, for an unique opportunity to show everyone how thrilling and realistic this new land really is.
What about exciting new rides, you might ask?
Well, there are none. They all froze mid construction. What about park operators and managers? Frozen as well. Food? Oh, boy, this is where things get interesting! You will be able to enter one of the many stores at the Real World of Frozen for a chance to buy your bow and arrow. Go out there, hunt down deer and learn how to cook your own food. Only in the Real World of Frozen you learn about survival techniques in a way that Spaceship Earth was never able to portray.
What else would you NOT want to see at Disney World?
There we have it, friends! A few ride ideas that will never, ever see the light of day at Walt Disney World. Or any other park, by the way, even if we take into account the multiverse.
What about you, do you have any fun ideas for terrible rides, based on any Disney franchise or anything at all?
Make sure to send us a message and share your crazy inventions with us. We love to read about crazy and interesting attractions. Oh, you also interested in visiting Disney World, maybe the real version that sounds a little bit safer and more fun than the ones listed above?
Send us a message and we will make sure to plan your trip and give you an amazing time!
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